Super Spy
by psychotwilightnerd
Summary: Emmett babysits Nessie and things get crazy!
1. You Fernando?

Disclaimer:

Me - *sings onto of voice* I will survive, I will survive, as long as long as I know how to die, I know I will survive

Disclaimer – "Please shut up! I'll open the god damn cell, just go. I won't even charge you for trying to steal the rights to twilight!" *breaks down and cries*

Me – "oh ok, see you later alligator." *whispers to self* 'hope you don't mind that I planned karaoke night at your house.'

Super Spy

Emmett POV

I quickly ran downstairs to bid everyone fair well. Everyone was going camping except me and Nessie. Nessie and I were just going to chill as uncle and niece this weekend. No parent, grandparents, aunts, Jaspers, or dumb dogs. Just me and my most awesomestest niece in the whole wide world!

"Bye, we'll miss you *cough* not," I said as I pushed them out the door and into the pouring rain.

"Emmett, stop pushing me so I can say goodbye to my baby!" Bella screamed at me.

"Anything for you lil' sis," I said, moving out of her way.

"Moma you already gave me a list of do's and don'ts, you even gave me an extra box of diapers for Uncle Emmett," Nessie complained and threw an innocent smile in my direction towards the end.

"Hardy har har, you're so funny," I said to Bella.

"I love you too,' she laughed and kissed my cheek.

"Yeah, yeah, go away," I said, pushing them all back through the door.

Nessie and I said our goodbye's and headed inside. She sat on the couch and turned the T.V on and I went into the kitchen to get started on my super awesome plan.

After making the necessary adjustments to my list, I stalked into the living room.

"What are you up to Uncle Emmett?" Nessie asked as soon as she saw my mischievous face.

"Erm… Nothing, how about we have ourselves a little field trip."

Giving up on even trying to pry whatever he had planned out of him, Nessie shrugged, "Let me get my coat."

"Mwah ha ha"

"What'd you say Uncle Em?"

"Ah, nothing, why are you so suspicious!" I stormed out the door and into the car, to wait while Nessie got her coat.

After about forty minutes we arrived at our first stop. It was a relatively cloudy and windy day with a chance of a slight drizzle. Walking around the car, towards the trunk, I took out a black duffle bag and walked towards the old warehouse I had parked in front of, knowing Nessie was following.

"Soooo," she said casually when we were inside.

"No time for questions," I said quickly as I took a smaller bag from the duffle bag and handed it to her.

"There's a bathroom right there," I pointed to the door on the left, "you can get changed in there, oh and hurry."

With a sigh she did as she was told.

Within another ten minutes, or thirty in guy time, she finally emerged from the bathroom wearing a simple yet stylish black Giorgio Armani suit, four inch black pumps and a pair of shiny black aviators.

They grow up so fast!

"Looking good Uncle Em," she said giving me a quick run over. I also wore an all black Giorgio Armani suit, without the tie, and black aviators.

"What can I say, I clean up well chica. Come on, were losing day light."

Nessie's POV

As we parked in front of one of the hottest car dealerships outside of forks I thought to myself, there's never a dull moment when you're in black.

"Here you're gonna need this," Uncle Emmett said, handing me an FBI badge that looked way to legitimate.

Oh Shit!

"You're going to get us killed!"

"Why does everyone say that whenever I get an idea," he demanded.

"Because you're an idiot!"

"Stop stating the obvious and come on," he said as he grabbed my land and led me inside.

Once inside I was completely blown away by the most beautiful fiery hot red Ferrari 599 GTO. The GTO packed 670hp at 8,250 rpm and 457 ld – ft to torque at 6,500 rpm derived from a V12 with the cylinders banked at 65 degrees. When the dealer popped the hood I almost had an orgasm.

"It's so beautiful," I wiped a tear away.

The engine paired with the GTO was capable of the most impressive times – to the tune of 0 to 62 mph in just 3.35 seconds and a fiorano lap time of 1 minute, 25 seconds. The GTO clocks a top speed of 208 mph.

Uncle Emmett whipped the badge out and said, "We need to take this car in."

"What, why?" asked the dealer.

"Ahh, because 'The Man' told me to come get it," Emmett stupidly explained.

"What my partner meant to say is that we suspect that this car was used to smuggle some drugs and possibly a body, so we need to take it in," I said quickly trying to save Emmett's butt.

"How is that even possible, it looks untouched and how could I have not known it was gone?" the dealer questioned.

"We ask the questions around here and we don't have a lot of time, so either you hand over the keys or we take them and arrest you," I said, giving him one of my mother's famous do-as-I-say-or-I'll-ground-you-for-the-next-two-centuries look, which was pretty scary by the way.

Mumbling something completely unintelligent, he handed over the keys to Uncle Emmett.

"Let's rock and roll baby," Emmett turned and headed towards the door.

"So where to now?" I questioned.

"To the harbor to meet a guy named Fernando," he answered simply.

Suddenly it hit me. Like a sack of squished bananas being swung by a one arm monkey.

"You got this car specifically so I wouldn't bribe you!" I accused.

"So," he stuck his tongue out.

"You play dirty," I said.

"I don't know what you're talking about, we're here!" he said before hopping out of the car.

"You Fernando?" Emmett questioned a Hispanic looking guy.

"What's it to ya," he replied.

Whipping out his badge Emmett said "This is what it means to me, so either hand over the goods or I take you in!"

"Fine, yeah I'm Fernando and the stuff are in my truck," he walked over to his truck and took out a decent size satchel. Handing it to Uncle Em, he ran away screaming like a little girl.

"So what's in the bag?" I asked.

"Get in the car." He said simply as he strode towards said car.

Once in the car he tossed me the bag and what I found inside was absolutely not what I expected. It was a giant bag of chocolate covered pretzels and three Eminem CD's.

"Slip one of those in will you Nessie, but don't tell Bella I made you listen to this."

And we were off!


	2. You saw what?

It took us thirty minutes to get to our next stop, but when you're listening to the greatest and the sexiest rapper alive, you're so zoned out you hardly notice.

When I opened the door I finally realized that we were on a farm.

A farm!

With a huge field and scarecrows. Oh how terrified I was of scarecrows!

Walking around to my side Uncle Emmett said, "Let me do the talking."

'It's not like I know what we're here to talk about anyway', I thought to myself.

Walking over to the old farm house, I knocked on the door. A few seconds later an old farmer's wife emerged.

"May I help you?" she questioned with a country drawl.

"Good day ma'am, is your husband around?" Emmett asked.

"He's in the field," she wiped her hands in her dirty apron then ran her hands through her blonde mane.

"Thank you ma'am, I'll just head out and have a word with him," turning Emmett did just that with me in tow.

Walking through the rows of corn, I clung to Uncle Emmett like he was a buoy and I was stuck in the Atlantic Ocean, even though the comparison made no sense seeing as how we were vampires and all.

Rustle!

"What was that?" I asked moving impossibly closer to Uncle Emmett.

"Chillax, it was probably a bird or something."

"Or something?" I whispered.

"Yeah, maybe it's a -" he broke off when we saw something moving through the corn field and full speed towards us.

"AAAAHHHHHHH!" we both screamed as we ran in the opposite direction at human speed.

Seeing as how I was a little faster than Uncle Emmett, courtesy of my father, I sped past him and out of the field.

"Nessie don't leave me!" I heard him yell.

In the blink of an eye Emmett stood next to me and we both stood at the edge of the field to see what would emerge.

"The scarecrow's coming," I hid behind Uncle Emmett.

What emerged wasn't a scarecrow or in the least bit terrifying; it was actually the cutest German shepherd I'd ever seen.

Scoff . "I can't believe you were afraid of a little dog," Emmett said trying to play it cool.

"Like you weren't running and screaming too."

Rolling his eyes, he headed back the porch to the woman and asked her to fetch her husband.

With a grin, she did what was asked and was back in a few seconds.

"Mr. Huge Jass, I'm Harry Seamen and this is my partner Patricia-Ann Dick." Emmett extended an arm.

He looked at Emmett in astonishment, probably wondering if his ears were deceiving him, while his wife giggled behind him.

Me being as dense as I am, finally figured out after a minute that the names were ridiculously funny and fought vigorously with myself to not burst into a laughing frenzy.

Clearing his throat of the laughter that was begging to be free, Emmett said, "Sir my partner and I are from area 53, not 51 or 52 but 53 and we would like to ask you some questions."

"I 'ain't never heard of no area 53 before," he said in the same country drawl as his wife.

"That's because technically we don't exists sir, we are a private sector of the government that deal with the troubles you have been having," Emmett said seriously.

Looking at his wife then back to Emmett he inquired, "How'd you know?"

"It's our job to know," I was finally able to speak.

"According to our files you have experienced some strange happenings?" Emmett asked.

"Yea' sir."

"Could you tell me what you saw?"

"There was a bright light, which lasted 'bout ten seconds, then the next thing I see are my cows floating up to this big ol' tin contraption. Then there was another flash of light and it was all gone and the next thing I know I've got all these circles in my damn field!"

"I see, is there anything else?" Emmett asked.

"Well, ahhh, when the cows were in the air they were doin' this dance, what do those young people call it?" he asked his wife.

"I think it's called the skanky leg."

"I think you mean stanky leg," I corrected her while trying to muffle a laugh.

This was too funny.

She shrugged.

"So you're trying to tell me that you saw your cow doing the stanky leg?" Emmett asked and I could see the amusement in his golden eyes.

He nodded yes.

"Well, you're one of the lucky ones because we have had folks report seeing things like vampires in tutus and giant dogs that turn into humans," Emmett smiled.

"But I did see those things!" Mrs. Huge Jass exclaimed in a panicked tone.

"It's worst than we thought" I said.

"Can you help us?" the wife was now hysterical.

Emmett nodded and walked towards his car, opened the trunk, took out a bag and brought it over to the couple.

He pulled out a box of unmarked aluminum foil and said, "You will need to wear this on your heads for a week, as to prevent those that will not be named from eating our brains."

Then he pulled out what looked like a mixture of baby powder and yeast and handed it to them also.

"Sprinkle all of this around the edge of the affected area at exactly midnight at the end of the one week, screaming 'imad umbass' ten times."

His wife took the crap we gave them inside and came back out with the most mouth watering thank you cherry pie I'd ever seen.

After accepting their pie and there many verbal thank you, we left.

When we drove off I yelled, "That was freaking awesome!"

Emmett boomed his famous laugh.

"Crop circles? Vampires in tutus? Giant dogs that turn into humans? Tinfoil and baby powder? Explain," I demanded once I was able to speak again.

"Who'd you think made the first crop circle? Jazz and I were bored out of our wits one night and decided to make corn art!" he boomed again.

"As for the vampire in a tutu and the wolf that turns into a human; I make quite the ballerina and that mutt of yours owed me one."

Rolling my eyes I asked, "The aluminum foil?"

"That was just pure luck, it came with the bag," he said simply.

Laughing I put in another Eminem CD and ate some of the delicious cherry pie.

"By the way, how'd you pull off the UFO's and the cows and stuff?" I asked around a mouthful of pie.

"An amazing prankster NEVER reveals all his secrets," he answered with a wink.

"Whatever," I muttered and went back to my pie.


	3. Prize Booty

We drove for another hour and fifteen minutes to this little dinner in the middle of nowhere. Uncle Emmett insisted that I ate something before we headed to a hotel for the night but assured me that we would continue our adventure at day break.

After devouring six pancakes, I loved breakfast for dinner, we headed for the hotel. Uncle Emmett got us a suite with separate rooms.

"Uncle Em, I don't have anything to sleep in," I announced once we were inside.

"Way ahead of you kiddo," he said walking into the room I would be staying in, walked over to the closet and opened it, revealing the most gorgeous wardrobe ever.

"You did not pick these out yourself!"

"Of course I didn't, Alice did."

I looked at him questionably.

"I bribed her with shopping sprees and a new McLaren F1," he replied simply.

Shaking my head I took a beautiful silk nightgown out of the closet and headed for the bathroom.

Within fifteen minutes I was done and ready for bed.

"Goodnight Uncle Emmett," I kissed him on the forehead.

"G'night Ness," he reciprocated the kiss, added a big bear hug and sent me to bed.

Emmett's POV

After sending Nessie to bed and ensuring she was in a deep sleep, I decided to head down to the night club a few blocks away to have some fun Emmett style.

Within a few minutes I was bursting through the doors of club Inferno like I owned the joint. I walked over to the bar with an ambiance of arrogance and extreme importance surrounding me.

"What can I get for you?" the lovely bar maiden enquired.

"Scotch on the rocks." I replied, slowly looking her over from hair to toes.

She giggled and got me my drink. I stood quietly at the bar, sipping my drink and surveying the room and the women.

After a few minutes my plan was completely in place. I slowly walked over to the most secluded booth in the back I could find, sat with my drink and observed the many different feminine eyes that were now on what they wish was their next life partner. Yes I am all that and a bag of chips.

As I downed the last of my scotch I noticed the first pick of the night walk over to the booth. She was blond, busty and full of booze. Just how I liked em'.

"A handsome man like you shouldn't be drinking alone," she said in a seductive tone.

"Is that so," she nodded, "so how do you plan on fixing this problem?"

"By joining you."

She sat and ordered rounds after rounds of shots. Two hours later I was completely surrounded by the most beautiful and most drunk women in the club.

"So how big is it?" some brunette chick asked, looking down at my pants.

"So big your tiny, underused imagination wouldn't be able to conjure up a faint image," I said so huskily she didn't even realize I just called her stupid.

She shivered and everyone else's mouth dropped open. Yes, time to put my plan into action.

"Ladies, if you'll follow me please." I got up and walked over to the back room, knowing that there would be a large trail of women behind me.

In the back room was a small stage surrounded by seats and a pink stripper pole.

Once everyone was inside I said "ladies please take your seat, I have quite the treat for you."

Once all were seated and had their money out I turned the music on and began the show.

Walking over to the tiny stage that was against the opposite wall from the chairs, I took my jacket off and turned on the stereo which now played '5 Senses' by 50 Cent and Jeremih.

Slowly, I unbuttoned my shirt. Button after button I could see their eyes widen with a little after each. Then when I was done I threw it into the sea of women who then proceeded to fight over it.

Then it was time for the pants. Button first, then slowly _zip._

"Oh shit!" I heard one woman exclaim when I took my pants completely and exposed the thong I was wearing. I smiled seductively at her and continued over to the stripper pole in the middle of the stage.

'_If you look this good__I wonder how it taste__baby if I touch your body__hear you scream my name__would you whisper to me it's yours girl you smell so gentle and pure__you control my senses baby all my senses.' _ The lyrics boomed off the walls as I started to grind on the pole.

That's all it took for them to start showering me in hundred dollar bills and more. Man I'm good!

Shaking my booty in the face of the first big tit blond that came up to me I asked, "How much are you going to give the prize booty?"

"Twenty dollars" she replied with a smirk.

"Hold the fuck up!" I yelled as I stopped the music.

"What's the matter?" someone asked.

Ignoring her I stopped the music and went over to the blond looked her in the face and said, "Are you crazy? Bitch this ain't no cheap piece of ass! How dare you insult the booty!" I grabbed up my money and left wearing only the thong.

As I walked out I glimpsed back and saw the dumb struck look on all their faces. Priceless!


	4. Diet Water and Blowdryers

Nessie's POV

Like promised, Uncle Em and I left at day break with more Eminem blaring from the speakers.

"I'm hungry" I announced once we hit the highway.

"I told you to eat before we left" he said.

"I was too excited to eat then" I whined and gave him my irresistible pout.

"FINE!" he gave in after like five seconds, "where do you want to eat?"

"Ahh, Wendy's," I replied.

Once we reached Uncle Emmett got that mischievous look on his face as he asked me what I wanted.

"I want cheese fries and a baked potato with bacon," I said.

As I was about to tell him what I wanted to drink he said, "Don't worry I've got your drink covered."

"Hi, and welcome to Wendy's may I take your order?" the woman at the window asked.

"Hey, can I have a baked potato with bacon and a large cheese fries," he answered.

"Would you like anything to drink?" she asked again.

"Yeah, can I have a diet water please," he said with the straightest face I've ever seen on him.

"Diet water?" she looked at him puzzled.

"That's what I said," he crossed his arms and looked annoyed.

"Sir there is nothing called diet water," she tried to tell him.

"Excuse me are you calling me a liar!" he exclaimed with an offended look.

I sat back in total amusement as I watched the scene that now unfolded in front of me.

"No sir," she answered apologetically.

"Then get me my damn diet water!" Uncle Emmett said in a fake angry voice.

"Right away sir," she left to get the 'diet water'.

When she left I exploded into a hysterical fit of laughter.

"OK, it's settled you're the master!" I said between breathing and laughing.

"I try," he said with a smirk and a slight bow.

After getting my meal and my 'diet water' Uncle Em parked up on the side of the road so that I could eat. Then he popped the trunk and when to get something out of it, a few seconds later he returned with yet another ominous bag.

"What's all that now?" I asked around a mouth full of fries.

He smiled at me and removed a police siren from the bag and put it on top of the car, and then he reached back into the bag and came out with a cord-less hairdryer. I just stared and ate.

"Do you still have the aviators I gave you?" he asked.

I shook my head yes to answer.

"Put them on," was all he said as he put on his identical sunglasses.

He turned the hairdryer in the direction of oncoming traffic in front of us.

Smiling I said, "You're a mad genius."

"Awe shucks, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me,"

I smiled.

We sat there for about twenty minutes watching car after car slow down because the thought we were cops and the hairdryer was a speedometer. It was wicked hilarious!

Then this one car passed at 120 that either didn't see us or didn't care. Uncle turned on the siren and speed after him.

The sleek black jaguar pulled up and the driver's window went down and sitting in the driver's seat was the hottest guy I have ever seen, you know besides Jake of course. Hell who am I kidding he was way hotter!

"Is something wrong officers?" the gorgeous stranger asked.

"Yeah, you were doing 120, the speed limit is 60 in these parks," Uncle Emmett answered because I was too busy ogling the guys hot body. DAMN!

"License and registration please," I was finally able to say.

"Of course" he said before handing them to me. While doing so our hands touched and I almost fainted. I wonder if I could have sex with him right here, right now without Jake getting jealous. Damn you stupid imprinting!

"I'll take it from here," Uncle Emmett said as if he had read my dirty thoughts. I blushed crimson, one of the many things I got from my mother's human genes.

Uncle Em looked it over and said "Seems legit," he handed them back and continued, "I'm willing to let you go with a warning if you can help me out," he winked.

"Money?" he questioned.

"Hell nah! Bitch I want chocolate!" He yelled.

"Sure, I ahh have a snicker bar right here," he said completely puzzled but did it anyway.

"Now that's what I'm talking about" Uncle Emmett boomed as he ate the snicker.

"Is that it?" The guy asked.

"Your phone number too, you know just in case," he said.

He looked at me and smiled then gave it to Uncle Em then after saying goodbye he drove off.

Uncle Em looked at me and said, "Here, just in case it doesn't work out with you and the mutt," as he handed me the number.

I blushed and replied, "Please I'm not going to need this," then carefully slipped it into my pocket.

He rolled his eyes then ushered me back into the car telling me that we were burning daylight.


End file.
